LOST AND FOUND MOM

I called the cops on my mom two days before Christmas. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but I did. I blame it on Kohl’s. The fateful event all began with a last minute holiday shopping trip there.

My mom had one of those 30% off cards and it had expired very soon. You gotta admit Kohl’s has some brilliant marketers. They send those 15-30% off cards and you just have to go when you get a 30% discount, right? So, even though it was a little too close to Christmas for me to be out with those last-minute shoppers, I drove my mom to Kohl’s. You know the shoppers I’m talking about. They have panicked looks on their faces and load carts with those goofy men gadgets that line the aisles.

“Let’s stay together,” I say to my mom. She nodded.

Our togetherness lasted all of five minutes. I got seduced by the 65% off on holiday ornaments BEFORE Christmas. I had an angel ornament and a Harley in my hands when I turned to show my mother. She was nowhere to be found.

No big deal. I’d cruise the aisle and find her. Now, my mother is short and is hard to spot due to all those high racks filled with the gadgets, but I figured he couldn’t have gotten very far. Big mistake on my part.

I began a systematic search by circling the perimeter and working my way to the center of the store. After 30 minutes, I still hadn’t found her. It was time to call for reinforcements. A nice gentleman paged her but my mom is hard-of-hearing so I doubted that would work. We then conducted searches of all the restrooms and dressing rooms. I even cased the parking lot. Nothing, zip, zilch, nada.

I became one of those shoppers with the panicked looks and it had nothing to do with gifts. My mother was missing. I called my sister.

“I can’t find mom.”

“She’ll turn up,” my sister said.

“But it’s been 45 minutes now and I’m starting to freak out.”

“I’ll send our brother and his two kids,” she said.

When I hung up, I had a sinking sensation that something was very wrong. I dialed 911.

The 911 dispatcher was very nice and matter-of-fact. I gave a description and while I was still talking to her, my brother and his kids walked into the store to help. While I was assuring the woman that I had tried everything to find my mom, my niece ran up to me.

“We found her,” she said. “She’s in the checkout line."

I started to shake uncontrollably with relief. I thanked the 911 dispatcher and walked over to my mother, nearly in tears.

“Look what I found,” she said, holding up a cute peasant shirt, oblivious to the fact that I was a wreck. “It’s 90% off.”

That’s my mom. She nearly gave me a heart attack but she found a bargain. And it was almost free after they took the extra 30% off. I think our trip to Kohl’s shaved about 30% off my life span too. And I will never, ever get separated from her again.